Dermotillomania

#OCD #BodyDismorphia #AmericanDream

OCD is no joke man. There are a few conditions like cutting that are also an OCD condition. I take tweezers to the cuticles on my nails until they bleed, but don’t bite them. I peel scabs off to bleed like leeching. It’s a daily ritual. Some people pull out their hair. This is called Trichotillomania. Mine is demal: demotillomania. It qualifies body dismorphia as well.

I would love if OCD made me clean like crazy. If it made me obsessively and compulsively wash dishes and mop. But I feel the need to eradicate the body of toxins that I know are not even really there.

I have taken Paxil and Prozac, which work… if you stay on them forever. I don’t want that. I have talked to psychologists since I was seven. Literally. And the worst part is that I just look like its really bad acne, only on my arms and legs, until its MRSA or people realize that the gash in my leg started out as a mosquito bite. I DIG out Any impurity and it Is COMPULSIVE AND OBSESSIVE. It Isn’t acne, but when I see someone with a cuticle build up I have to fight with ALL of my willpower not to rip their skin off of their bodies. It is like the drive to pull skin off like a peel off skin mask.

That show Dr pimple popper with Sandra Lee talks about it and gets close to how I feel. It is not the gross puss or lipomas that She squeezes out, but the feeling that it Actually improves a quality of life. Only they all feel cancerous to me.

It is really hard to not “clean” scabs off my daughter when She falls or not pull off peices of the shitty plaster job on the walls in our Chinese apartment.

My mom told me She Noticed an excessive amount of this type of anxiety and body dismorphia in my millennial generation.

Interesting.

I wonder why, and if it has to do with the world changing so rapidly. If we are adapting well on the inside but taking it out on the outside. If the rapid Change in our minds is truly too much to handle.

Every day I fight not to model this behavior to my daughter and still find her scraping the grout out of in between the tiles, saying She is cleaning them. The grout needs to be there to hold the tiles together. What is this obsession to rip our skin apart doing to our bodies?

It feels so pure. While I avoid my face, they still show up. While I can’t wear makeup sometimes or use certain shampoos… Having to fight for our livings While still caring for Others is hurting ourselves. This does not need to be passed onto the next generation.

To eliminate something that looks “ugly” but is just trying to heal itself, stomping on the strength that looks like weakness, is the product of the gilded self of the millennial age. It truly is interesting, this relationship I have formed with my skin. I have favorite things to pick on, the only VIOLENCE I feel towards myself. … Or anyone.

This love of hatred might be something to consider though. A cyst or an ingrown toenail should have surgery, but I have cleared those Both to myself and Others on multiple occasions. Maybe I should be a dermatologist… Maybe it is just the 2000s.

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